He blames it on his parents, who are average, boilerplate, commonplace, a dime a dozen, every day, fair to middling, garden variety, humdrum, etc. He can find a word for every letter in the alphabet, describing how unexceptional they are.
And all his life, he's been just average. Not too short or tall, but not just right, either. Mousy brown thinning hair, dull blue eyes, slightly crooked teeth. Body like the Pillsbury Dough Boy after a weekend in the doughnut factory and grades that kept him out of the Honor Society.
He spends most of his nights drinking beers and browsing the internet. Cable TV has too much flash, too many beautiful bodies, and too many guys getting a piece. He doesn't need to be reminded of his one disappointing sexual encounter, especially since he is about to turn the big 30.
He knows he's not alone; he sees it everywhere. Women want giant boobs, thicker lips, and a new Rustic Farmhouse kitchen with terra cotta tiles and engineered countertops. Guys would be happy to settle for thick hair, rock-hard abs, and a rock-hard penis.
And what about those folks born in the wrong bodies? Who can track whether one is cisgender, transgender, nonbinary, or agender? Not to mention people with body integrity disorders (BIID) who want to amputate a limb or become paralyzed. Jesus! Maybe, he doesn't have it so bad after all.
But that doesn't stop him from clicking on the ads. He watches the Makeover Guy on YouTube, who promises, "You and I are going to share our future together." He's not sure the Makeover Guy is his type, however.
The Ultimate 6-Week Workout Plan guarantees 50 lost pounds as long as "you're willing to put a huge red circle on your calendar for six weeks’ time… and use every day from now until then to push your body harder than you ever have before." He doesn't think the big red circle is likely to happen. Playing with sweaty dumbbells in a non-air-conditioned gym is not his thing.
He considers a haircut or some dental veneers. Perhaps a pair of Commando Sole shoes and a slouchy suit would help. He sits back in the chair, overwhelmed with all his choices, and takes another gulp of beer. If only he had a girlfriend who could tell him what to eat, how to dress, and where to get his hair cut. Women have it so much easier than men; he concludes - at least the big-boobed, thick-lipped dames with stylish kitchens.
He finishes his beer, pops open another, and leans back to decide yet again which makeover panacea, he will choose to change his life forever.
— opelikakat
And all his life, he's been just average. Not too short or tall, but not just right, either. Mousy brown thinning hair, dull blue eyes, slightly crooked teeth. Body like the Pillsbury Dough Boy after a weekend in the doughnut factory and grades that kept him out of the Honor Society.
He spends most of his nights drinking beers and browsing the internet. Cable TV has too much flash, too many beautiful bodies, and too many guys getting a piece. He doesn't need to be reminded of his one disappointing sexual encounter, especially since he is about to turn the big 30.
He knows he's not alone; he sees it everywhere. Women want giant boobs, thicker lips, and a new Rustic Farmhouse kitchen with terra cotta tiles and engineered countertops. Guys would be happy to settle for thick hair, rock-hard abs, and a rock-hard penis.
And what about those folks born in the wrong bodies? Who can track whether one is cisgender, transgender, nonbinary, or agender? Not to mention people with body integrity disorders (BIID) who want to amputate a limb or become paralyzed. Jesus! Maybe, he doesn't have it so bad after all.
But that doesn't stop him from clicking on the ads. He watches the Makeover Guy on YouTube, who promises, "You and I are going to share our future together." He's not sure the Makeover Guy is his type, however.
The Ultimate 6-Week Workout Plan guarantees 50 lost pounds as long as "you're willing to put a huge red circle on your calendar for six weeks’ time… and use every day from now until then to push your body harder than you ever have before." He doesn't think the big red circle is likely to happen. Playing with sweaty dumbbells in a non-air-conditioned gym is not his thing.
He considers a haircut or some dental veneers. Perhaps a pair of Commando Sole shoes and a slouchy suit would help. He sits back in the chair, overwhelmed with all his choices, and takes another gulp of beer. If only he had a girlfriend who could tell him what to eat, how to dress, and where to get his hair cut. Women have it so much easier than men; he concludes - at least the big-boobed, thick-lipped dames with stylish kitchens.
He finishes his beer, pops open another, and leans back to decide yet again which makeover panacea, he will choose to change his life forever.
— opelikakat
Brilliant. Love the narrative. Love the descriptions. Well done
ReplyDeleteThis guy is everywhere. You've nailed it. Great characterization and a subtle right hook at the "makeover" promise industry. So well-done.
ReplyDelete