“I think it broke me a little bit, hearing it that way”
I pause, my therapist listens. Speaks little. Listens loads. The sign on one wall says Communication is What the Listener Does. What does that even mean. Aren’t therapists supposed to ask questions, offer insights. Mine just listens, until I fill in the silence. Usually spilling more than I intended to share.
“So I’ve been acting out.” I use air quotes “‘Disrespecting’ their ‘authority.’ Do they have any idea what this has been like for me?”
It’s not like we’re a real family is it? That’s why I’m here in this office twice a week talking. Maybe I’ll just sit quietly, until the clock runs out.
I put my hands under my thighs, to stop from fidgeting. I start reading the walls to avoid eye contact. I count the number of holes in the ceiling tile in the opposite corner. The therapist just waits. Listening. I look at the clock. How could there be 35 minutes remaining, when an hour is really 50 minutes. I want to fidget. I want to punch something.
“I’m angry” I say it before I can stop myself. The therapist looks at me and nods, encouraging me to go on. And I am angry so I continue, “If my stupid MusicBX hadn’t run out of charge, I wouldn’t know. I would have been listening to my tunes. None of this would have happened.”
“She obviously thinks I’m of no consequence. A quick glance in the rear view mirror, and she see I’ve got my buds in and just assumed. Yup, made asses of them and me. Thought I couldn’t hear them talking. Don’t get me wrong, I’d suspected. Sometimes I’d even hoped it was true, but to over hear my mom and her best friend Vera My mom should have come to me first.”
I look at my uninteresting shoes. Swing my legs. Avoiding. “Oh God. It’s going to be all over school!” I suddenly panic.
I thought this couldn’t get any worse Can I make myself smaller. Can I disappear. All of the sudden I realize the full impact of what I overheard. I feel sick.
“It’s not just that I found out that I’m adopted. That’s not the worst part. I kinda suspected that. What I heard was they needed to keep us apart. Vera’s son is my best friend. We’ve played together since we were kids. I’ve had a crush on him since middle school. He finally asked me out. What I didn’t know was that Mom’s best friend adopted my brother. My biological brother. I almost went to a dance with my *Brother*”
Head in hands I start to cry.
— Lkai
I pause, my therapist listens. Speaks little. Listens loads. The sign on one wall says Communication is What the Listener Does. What does that even mean. Aren’t therapists supposed to ask questions, offer insights. Mine just listens, until I fill in the silence. Usually spilling more than I intended to share.
“So I’ve been acting out.” I use air quotes “‘Disrespecting’ their ‘authority.’ Do they have any idea what this has been like for me?”
It’s not like we’re a real family is it? That’s why I’m here in this office twice a week talking. Maybe I’ll just sit quietly, until the clock runs out.
I put my hands under my thighs, to stop from fidgeting. I start reading the walls to avoid eye contact. I count the number of holes in the ceiling tile in the opposite corner. The therapist just waits. Listening. I look at the clock. How could there be 35 minutes remaining, when an hour is really 50 minutes. I want to fidget. I want to punch something.
“I’m angry” I say it before I can stop myself. The therapist looks at me and nods, encouraging me to go on. And I am angry so I continue, “If my stupid MusicBX hadn’t run out of charge, I wouldn’t know. I would have been listening to my tunes. None of this would have happened.”
“She obviously thinks I’m of no consequence. A quick glance in the rear view mirror, and she see I’ve got my buds in and just assumed. Yup, made asses of them and me. Thought I couldn’t hear them talking. Don’t get me wrong, I’d suspected. Sometimes I’d even hoped it was true, but to over hear my mom and her best friend Vera My mom should have come to me first.”
I look at my uninteresting shoes. Swing my legs. Avoiding. “Oh God. It’s going to be all over school!” I suddenly panic.
I thought this couldn’t get any worse Can I make myself smaller. Can I disappear. All of the sudden I realize the full impact of what I overheard. I feel sick.
“It’s not just that I found out that I’m adopted. That’s not the worst part. I kinda suspected that. What I heard was they needed to keep us apart. Vera’s son is my best friend. We’ve played together since we were kids. I’ve had a crush on him since middle school. He finally asked me out. What I didn’t know was that Mom’s best friend adopted my brother. My biological brother. I almost went to a dance with my *Brother*”
Head in hands I start to cry.
— Lkai
I love the tension in the office: "reading the walls to avoid contact" Counting the holes.....takes me right there into all of those feelings.
ReplyDeleteAwwww. In Biblical times (including ancient Egypt) this might have been perfectly OK. Two doses of cultural shame dumped on the narrator. I'm pissed at the adults for not telling this person the truth! No respect. Don't blame the narrator for being angry. Very REAL narrative! Thanks! ---Macoff
ReplyDelete