“I have to go now!!!” she repeats for the 3rd time in an increasingly irritated voice. We are flying at 14,000 feet in a landing pattern for Chicago’s Midway Airport, but this makes no difference to my 95-year-old mother-in-law, Mary.
There is little room for modesty when traveling in a 4-seater plane. Early morning departures are the norm, and coffee consumption is limited, so one can land before afternoon thunderstorms ensue.
Fancier aircraft include a pee tube where you squat and push a button on the floor, listening as the urine is sucked into the atmosphere. Our plane only has a plastic bottle with a screw cap and funnel for the ladies, and everyone has to pee in front of God and other plane occupants.
“I have to go now!!!” Mary repeats for the 4th time. My husband, who is piloting the plane, explains we are flying over Lake Michigan, and Air Traffic Control (ATC) probably won’t divert all the commercial jets so she can pee within the next two minutes.
I suggest the bottle again, and she looks at me with disgust. I mention another friend in her 90s who was thrilled when she peed over Bluefield, VA, but Mary pays no attention. I fantasize about having an eject button in the back seat, certain no jury would convict me.
ATC continues to issue rapid directives. “66VV. Squawk 2000. Descend and maintain one-two-thousand. Contact Hometown Tower on one-two-three-point-four. Fly heading zero-niner-zero. Then descend and maintain 5,000 feet.
Midway Airport has 22.2 million passengers annually and is one of the busiest airports in the US. Small planes are called FLIBBERS (F#ucking Little Itinerate Buddies) by ATC and are barely tolerated since they require the same attention as large jets.
“Jesus, Mary, and Joseph. Land this plane now!!!” Mary screams. My husband switches off her intercom so that ATC does not become privy to our situation and continues descending.
After 45 long minutes, we are finally cleared to land. Mary rushes to the toilet, refusing to speak to either of us.
We spend two days in Chicago at a wedding. The bride and groom arrive by boat to the rehearsal dinner, and a Frank Sinatra impersonator provides entertainment. My husband and the groom, who are both inebriated, almost fight because my husband is wearing fancier cuff links.
The evening before our departure, Mary begins having nosebleeds brought on stress. She eventually decides to fly home on a commercial airline, even though it takes her two additional days and costs hundreds of dollars.
About halfway through our flight home the next day, I glance at my husband and announce, “I have to go now!!!” “Shut the hell up,” he replies and keeps flying. I look at the horizon and smirk quietly.
— opelikakat
There is little room for modesty when traveling in a 4-seater plane. Early morning departures are the norm, and coffee consumption is limited, so one can land before afternoon thunderstorms ensue.
Fancier aircraft include a pee tube where you squat and push a button on the floor, listening as the urine is sucked into the atmosphere. Our plane only has a plastic bottle with a screw cap and funnel for the ladies, and everyone has to pee in front of God and other plane occupants.
“I have to go now!!!” Mary repeats for the 4th time. My husband, who is piloting the plane, explains we are flying over Lake Michigan, and Air Traffic Control (ATC) probably won’t divert all the commercial jets so she can pee within the next two minutes.
I suggest the bottle again, and she looks at me with disgust. I mention another friend in her 90s who was thrilled when she peed over Bluefield, VA, but Mary pays no attention. I fantasize about having an eject button in the back seat, certain no jury would convict me.
ATC continues to issue rapid directives. “66VV. Squawk 2000. Descend and maintain one-two-thousand. Contact Hometown Tower on one-two-three-point-four. Fly heading zero-niner-zero. Then descend and maintain 5,000 feet.
Midway Airport has 22.2 million passengers annually and is one of the busiest airports in the US. Small planes are called FLIBBERS (F#ucking Little Itinerate Buddies) by ATC and are barely tolerated since they require the same attention as large jets.
“Jesus, Mary, and Joseph. Land this plane now!!!” Mary screams. My husband switches off her intercom so that ATC does not become privy to our situation and continues descending.
After 45 long minutes, we are finally cleared to land. Mary rushes to the toilet, refusing to speak to either of us.
We spend two days in Chicago at a wedding. The bride and groom arrive by boat to the rehearsal dinner, and a Frank Sinatra impersonator provides entertainment. My husband and the groom, who are both inebriated, almost fight because my husband is wearing fancier cuff links.
The evening before our departure, Mary begins having nosebleeds brought on stress. She eventually decides to fly home on a commercial airline, even though it takes her two additional days and costs hundreds of dollars.
About halfway through our flight home the next day, I glance at my husband and announce, “I have to go now!!!” “Shut the hell up,” he replies and keeps flying. I look at the horizon and smirk quietly.
— opelikakat
I can picture this so clearly. Biting my tongue because i wanted to yell at Mary. Well done
ReplyDeleteFlibbers! Hilarious. We all have had a Mary in our life. The cufflinks line is fabulous. Really enjoyed this work. Thanks.
ReplyDeleteThe funny part is that this is 98% true, including the cuff links.
ReplyDeleteAn unusual setting, one that I probably will never experience until I'm 95! Good to know about the possible problems, though! Realistic and funny story! ---Macoff
ReplyDelete